HEALING RESENTMENTS IN RELATIONSHIP


Relationship Yoga Shapes and Practices

Journal and reflect upon the following questions:


1. What do you resent and for what?

Notice the resentments you’re holding toward your partner (and anyone else involved) and write them down.

Don’t censor yourself, or try to talk yourself out of your suffering, anguish, and rage.

Write it out as it lives in your body.

2. What can you take responsibility for in each situation?

Now step back and shift your perspective.

Recognizing that taking responsibility is not an admission that something is your fault, nor the condoning of bad behavior.

Look to see how you may have contributed to things happening the way they did.

.

Ask yourself,

  • “In what ways did I /do I give my power away ?”

  • “Where might I have skipped over my own knowing, dismissed my feelings, or avoided telling the truth and/or asking for clarification?”

  • “How was I trying to get someone to love, want or approve of me more than I was attempting to make an authentic connection?”

  • “Why didn’t I do what I knew I could have done that may have averted a bad experience, and what made me hesitate to do it?”

  • “In what ways was I selfish, unkind, or even abusive that may have caused my partner to respond in defensive and destructive ways?”

3. What else has it cost you in your life to give your power away like this? Become present to the cost of showing up in ways that belie your true worth, power, intelligence, goodness and values.

(For example, “Being unwilling to set appropriate boundaries has trained everyone in my life to take advantage of me,”

“By withholding my truth and staying silent when I could have spoken up, I have modeled being a doormat for my kids,”

“By giving myself away to men who don’t value me, I’ve deprived myself of being loved,” “

4. What amends do you need to make to yourself moving forward?

Commit yourself to the positive growth and development that would allow you to evolve beyond these destructive and self-defeating behaviors.

(For example, “I commit to honoring my own feelings and needs as much as I honor the feelings and needs of others,”

“From now on, I am going to negotiate on my own behalf rather than silently suffer being taken advantage of,”

“I promise to listen more closely to my own inner knowing and have the courage to act upon my intuition.”)

The first thing that comes up for many of us when identifying new ways of relating that would liberate us from old patterns is that we don’t know how to interact this way with

others.

Perhaps healthy ways of relating were never modeled in the home you grew up in, or you were discouraged from learning basic skills that would allow you to assert boundaries, resolve conflict or communicate your needs.

Until now, you may have felt powerless in the face of these limitations, as though held hostage by your own missing development. Luckily, we human beings are ever-evolving creatures, and given the remarkable gift of being able to learn new things at birth. With this in mind,

I invite you to answer the following question:

5. What new skills and capacities will you now need to develop to live this way consistently?

To make these amends, you’ll need to develop new skills and capacities. See if you can identify exactly what they are and take on the challenge of learning them. (For example, “I will learn to identify what my feelings and needs are in order to share them with others,”

“I will learn to negotiate on my own behalf to stand up for what’s mine,”

“I will learn how to set appropriate boundaries to ensure I am not taken advantage of again,” and/or “I will grow my capacity to tolerate disapproval from others in order to stay true to myself.”)


Self-reflect as the source of experience without moving into shame and self-hatred. If you begin moving into self-blame, notice what question you are asking yourself.

Questions like “What’s wrong with me?” or “How could I be so stupid?” are shaming and will never lead to growth and evolution.

Formulate an empowering question that will facilitate growth instead.


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